Much Ado

I want to believe in a collective sense of being, yet we each dwell in a different experience and comprehend the world in unique ways. In a moment of glorious self-pity, a past boyfriend exclaimed as he was dumping me, “How can you know anyone else? I don’t even know myself.” Later, he went on to say that he thought we were the same but realized that wasn’t true. He was hoping to date a vaginalized version of himself. General life experience has led me to determine that it sucks to injure others because you can’t sort your bidness. The vein of identity buried deep within is worth mining. Taking the rickety mine cart into the depths of yourself is dark and scary, but you emerge with shiny stuff. Traysures! I’ve made a small and partial inventory of me for no reason in particular.

Cool. Less Cool.

Cool. Less Cool.

Many times a day I tell myself, “Be cool, Danara. Be cool.” Many times a day I am not cool.

Cat herding skills perhaps came at the cost of people skills.

I have been vegetarian longer than I wasn’t. A bolt of idealism prompted me to try veganism for a weekend. All I ate were Ruffles.

Where undergarments and laundry are concerned, lined running shorts are never off the table.

I rock hard. Like Zeppelin hard, not Megadeth hard. Like Heart hard, not Iron Maiden hard. Like Abba hard…

If you never wanted to wear a top hat and play tambourine after sleeping with all your band mates then we can't be friends.

If you never wanted to wear a top hat and play tambourine after sleeping with all your band mates then we can’t be friends.

After 9 years as last-chair percussionist, the triangle and I had a date with destiny. But an addiction to Stevie Nicks brought on tambourines. That’s a grip you cannot escape.

I’m not saying all knitters are elitist assholes, but… A lady at O’Hare told me that my projects would bore her. I plan to crochet dog jackets like my mom and her mom before her.

I still have nightmares about working at Dairy Queen.

Are determination and strength the same quality? Probably not. I move large furniture, comfort dying animals. I will surprise you with my strengthination.

All roaming turtles will be helped without regard to their opinion on the matter.

Less friendly than most Midwesterners, more friendly than most New Englanders, I’ve finally succumbed to life in rural Ohio and wave to everybody all the time.

Newborns are strange and needy. Toddlers and I share a deep reverence for potty humor.

There were witnesses to the Kentucky State Trooper asking me if I thought I was better than the law. If my French had been better, I might have understood something similar from the Metro security in Paris. My defiant streak is occasionally misguided.

Like you didn't want to get in on that sweet bar scene.

Like you didn’t want to get in on that sweet bar scene.

Best show ever: Cheers or Cheers? Trick question. It was Cheers.

Do you know how there’s that awesome friend who you call when you want a wild time? I’m the friend you call when that douche bag hurts your feelings.

I make a conscious effort to touch people. I wonder if it’s as creepy as it sounds.

For a year of my childhood, I didn’t use my fingers to eat. It would be certain death to touch my food. Around the same period, it seemed likely that the moon had turned to blood and the rapture was imminent. I should have scrubbed my hamburger across the McDonald’s floor before eating it rather than trying to ride out the apocalypse.

My parents were charismatic Christians. There was much laying of hands and speaking in tongues. Revivals. In tents. They just went for it.

I was baptized in someone’s above-ground swimming pool by my father. Still not a fan of water.

My rural Kentucky college required that every student pass Contemporary Christianity and Survival Swimming. When I think I might graduate from therapy, I remember that second semester from my senior year.

You think Ken will ever leave once he experiences the luxury of that pink plastic bed? Good thing Astronaut Barbie doesn't tolerate that shit.

You think Ken will ever leave once he experiences the luxury of that pink plastic bed? Good thing Astronaut Barbie doesn’t tolerate that crap. She don’t need a man.

When I’m a millionaire, I will have a special room for my old Barbies complete with the Barbie townhouse with mini plastic elevator that my mom would not buy. There will be 2 Kens to every Barbie. I will drag myself away from my canopy bed and Casio keyboard long enough to brush Barbie hair every day.

“Hiss! You’ve hissed your last!” Disney’s Robin Hood. It’s appropriate for all occasions.

In 1990, a disastrous earthquake was predicted to impact central Ohio. I fantasized about saving everyone from the rubble of my elementary school. Even gross Carl and boogery Brian.

I carry rocks in my purse. Always one from the Cumberland River. Maybe it’s good to have more than gravity holding me to Earth.

A third wheel makes a tricycle.

A third wheel makes a tricycle.

Sometimes I am the other island in the stream with Dolly & Kenny.

The first time I really kissed a boy, Víctor, I was 20 in an underground gay bar in Mexico. He said he hoped he’d see me again. I don’t know why I never went back.

I want for things to be better than okay for others and don’t know what to expect for myself. It will take me a lifetime to understand how to reconcile.

The people who fall in love with me think no one else will love them. The people I fall in love with are cats.


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